如果不去拥有，就不会想念

A movie watching weekend! And no this wouldnt be a movie review post. Lol.

Back to the place where it all started. He wore the same shirt. Chose the same place. But - the plans didnt screw up. And he cant resist reminding me the big fuss i threw more than a year right at that place. Gosh! Embarrasing much! We are learn from mistakes dont we.

We caught "this means war" which i was hoping it wouldnt be too much of a chick flick for him. But it is indeed a very good show!! Lotsa laughing points. Tom Hardy's british accent is just so hawt!!

We travel back to katong for Nando's. Believe me we have been meaning to have it for about a year..and every bloody time its either the queue or the rain or what - that just screw up our plans. Thank goodness no one wants to go 112katong for Peri Peri chicken. As usual we sat till we were the last to go...took long walk around the district before ending up at Dunman for beancurd. The same place where the first time ended with also.

I thought i have my 'speech' ready. But i just cant find a chance to bring it up. There are 2 paths that this can go. Either dosent seem to be what i want. And things stay the way it is if i just shut up my thoughts. Standing at the roadside with moments of millimeters distance, i dont understand why are we doing this really. Not that i have a perfect solution.

Anyway, caught this "tinker tailor soldier spy" movie on sat. I think i drifted in and out in my sleep 3 times. Lol!!

Just caught "LOVE" - the taiwan movie. Its so amazing!!! 「没有爱的能力，比没有性的能力更可悲」- reminds me exactly who this could be meant for. Anyway its such an awesome show really! Even though i watch new year's eve which bears the same concept - its different. The storyline just make you look forward to something much more. That maybe..as long as i dont own it..i wouldnt miss it.

Wanderlust

Happy belated valentines! ;) blogging now at Krabi because its raining and late at night.

I was just thinking back last year and how i spent my valentines with mr.sun - times flies! I think we hung out at east coast and that was my first day at Kajima! I have been in my 'new' job for a year! Whoah!

This year, knowing tuesday is gonna be my usual stay-back-late-for-report day, decided to have a earlier celebration. So 88 and 1 went to a quaint restaurant at siglap! He suggested dempsey at first and i think there is absolutely no timw for me to go home from AMK and change. Siglap is good, near my place and near to our HQ.

The place is called Perle Noire - means black pearl in french - i think. We ordered mussels in wine for starters, pork and lamb mains and he had wine while i had honey lemon. Not too bad! But french food - servings were tiny. I actually felt bad for suggesting this place. But cafe cartel down the road has dessert half priced when we reached - $10+ for 2 items was cheap imho! ;)

You said its disappointing that i chose to spend it with someone else. But all the talk the day before vday about Status. Status quo.

I am angry. I dont know why. Its such a weird emotion to be feeling. Myself? You? Or both of us? Sometimes i get it, sometimes i dont. Jus as i was about to leave, you said you wld call when i am back. I dont know what to reply again just like a week ago. Because what am i supposed to say? Am i more afraid or are you more afraid? Or really its best to just stay where we are. The additional step seems natural but i have enough of fireworks dreams.

You said that soemtimes we might be able to co-exist in the differences. I do think differences is what doubles our conversations but it can be something that neither can compromise. So when ppl ask me i say its complicated. Thats the only word both of us can conjure up anyway.

Now i pretend i didnt see the text. Now i just kick back and enjoy my sun. Snorkel. Kayak. Tan myself crazy.

Perharps in another life, or in a parallel universe, things could be so much simpler.

Happy Chinese NEW Year!

新年好！新年快乐！

New year was quiet this year. No visiting. I wasnt really keen to visit my relatives either. i am too old to be getting red packets. lol.

My company gave me 3 days after CNY public hols off..and so in total i have 9 days. of cuz almost everyone i knwo on site would go back to work - and so i kinda fibbed immediately that i am goin abroad.

Reunion dinner has always been spending with the migrant workers. this year i extended the invitation to friends of my own. Obviously people who i know are not likely to have reunion dinner. Belfast had a extended extended relative to eat with him so good for him!

and so..the dragon mister came and joined in the celebration. was it weird? maybe. but i was already having 2nd thoughts when we caught the Inbetweeners. Of course my friends didnt think it was anything but. whatever it is, i am letting nothing cross my mind. yes - does age really matter? or it is the enjoyment and conversation that matters?

bestie says if i like to be in control, a younger partner would suit me best. because he too would probably be looking ot be controlled. so he did tell me before he likes mature women so...0.o haha!

i asked my bestie a question - when you are out with so-and-so, and after that - do you recall back the date and feel happy. fun, enjoyable moments. and that you would sincerely reply the last text agreeing that it was fun. sincerely? no - she says. i am glad i usually do. or maybe cuz i talk so much also. geez. 

by some weird turn of events, 3 days of my new year was spent with belfast. we checked out the various usual new year spots. SAM was nice. they had the lion dance troop. Apparently when you belong to a small chinese community in the UK, you would usually be involved in doing a lion dance. ahh interesting.

so what do i do with so much leave on my hands. i had to turn the fib into a truth right? lol PHUKET! :)

It was alright. splurged on good tickets and hotel. Got myself a relatively good tan. spend alot of money taking their "taxi" and nothing much to buy. Mad rush and grabbed 3 tshirts for the guys. They have always bought me something whenever they return to their homeland. B got me this awesome shades from Madurai!

sometimes i wonder. what happens when they leave sg and goes back. i need to start having less foriegn friends. they will break my heart. Someday. LOL

Went to the enging camp clique for new year lunch today. was it weird that the group dynamics has changed? where do i belong now after what happened. sometimes i wonder what happens if i were the one who chose to leave. how does he feel having to be alone, quitting us. i remember i did say to him - i can leave. its my fault. i shouldnt have joined, screw things up and you left your friends to me. i think about these questions once a while. when i left the lunch earlier, i wonder would they discuss about how is he now. sometimes i feel sorry, i feel like kicking myself for the wrong moves, the hurt. Sometimes i wonder i have judged wrongly, concluded harshly? but i know no matter how much i try to take it back - i cant. because it has to happen now. the years have taught me to cut my losses short. then i think of the awesomness, the good...then i regret. for just a bit. then i get on.

because i did what my instinct told me to. i think God was showing me what i need to do. steering me back to the right path...right?

<3

I stand amazed

Chinese new year is here. CNY 2011 seems to far away. Barely remember what i did. And yes hitting 25 is pretty touche too! Lol giving evil looks to anyone that reminds me of qurater crisis.

And quarter crisis reminds me of....

Anyway, quite happy that i have 2 trips planned. January and february respectively. Both trips are quite near to each other really which makes it redundant.

Which reminds me of what FWG says about escapism. I think i spent 2011 escaping. How many countries have i been? Quite a number. Jackson made a point - i think u take plane more than bus. Lol

But this year, i believe these trips that ive booked is not to escape. Escapism is if i decide to accept the Masters from NTNU. I told a few people abt my application - and its funny their faces are.

Sure. I dont think ill survive there. 4 months of sunshine and nothing else. Jingxi says there is Northern lights. Goodness, these arent reasons why. Now after the retreat, i realise that despite my final round of application may come true - i might not take it up. The deposit can always get it back.

Bye escapism. I dont want to run away anymore.

Belfast handed me my presents yesterday. And surprisingly his best friend and mother had gifts for me too!! Awfully sweet and thoughtful of them both whom..i have never met. So now i have more friends in belfast! I think its simply mind boggling but pleasantly surprised. I have been a good host! ;p

welcome to 2012!

2 Corinthians 5:17 

[ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! ]

I say goodbye to 2011. with many things lined up to do.

First, i replaced my old blog and started afresh. It is abit heart tugging remembering how long the blog as been with me. a few years short of a decade. I was never a hoarder, but i am a tad too sentimental. but i did it hence this is the first post. :)

2 weeks before the end of the year, after a inspiring deep chat with belfast over supper, i decided to write a 30 by 30 list. i,e 30 things to do before i am 30. Would probably post them up soon when i have the time. i did a couple of them already though - or rather have plans to do them. i roped in yang to write them too, and right after the new year, sitting at rochester park's starbuck going over each of our list. now that day was productive!

the best thing that happened in 2011, is the "conversion experience retreat". By a sharp turn of events, somehow i made a trade off and ended up enrolling myself into that. the person who introduced this to me is Veron. i never knew her well...but i guess by God's grace - after procrastinating - i still ended up going for the retreat.

it is a 4D3N stay in retreat conducted by one of Singapore's most renowed priest. i kept asking veron what is it like..and she refuses to tell me. there aint much to google online..and i went in feeling underprepared and not fully packed. lucky i wasnt alone. i went with david and gladys. and all 3 of us each feeling scared! because we do have other friends who went and everyone came out just telling us it is amazing, awesome and all the flowery language.

at the end of it. it was AWESOME. AMAZING. AND SO MUCH MORE. Oh how blessed, the retreat ended on the Feast of Ephiphany. How apt.

The rite of reconcilliation set me free. The stations of the cross broke my heart - knowing how much Jesus suffered on the way to calvary. how can i be worth his blood? the many para-liturgy as part of the healing process - it dawned on me. i had the answers i was seeking. the people who i thought i can never forgive - no longer mattered. and i discovered exactly what was.

i remmbered on the last day when i turn to my friend next to me, i said " i want to remmeber this high forever".

i want to remmeber how much i can feel that God loves me. how much everything is just perfect. not perfect in what i imagined for myself - but i feel contented in God's providence.  I remember the last song we sand after the Thanksgiving Mass...

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

- Chris Tomline -

I am a new creation.

and i pray for God's grace that i will continue to be. :) i went online and bought 2 spiritual guidebooks. ^^