And so i realised that my blog is getting more and more depressing everyday! That explains my hiatus from writing. Its just that, i am kinda...left with no other channels of.. writing.

Anyway i came online specially just to check out the video of Ray-J's One Wish. i dunno why the sudden urge. I was listening to it while oding up my tutorials and i realise, how sad the MTV would be if it portrays the song accurately.

And so the MV started off with Ray-J dancing in the rain. Then he picked up his phone calling his girl. 'Baby' he calls her. And he starts singing about not wanting the girl to leave and everything...then..plonk..they end up on the freaking bed!!!!!!! =/ Sad. then after like abit here and there, Ray-J got up and dissolves into reality...he was day dreaming!

If he really loves the ger so bloody much, if he really yearns for her return so much...why is he thiinking about only the blardi bed scence?? Dissapointing man. *Sigh*

Just finish Juan's blog. And sigh* bad dreams again. But i guess, crying in your dreams suck. It sucked especially when it feels so real, yet not being in reality. Imagine the amount of hurt and pain. Loss.
Advice from Juan to me. Be thankful for what i have. I am. I really am. But something she mentioned on the gurls night out struck me. Saying that for the past loads of entry, i have got nothing positive instilled in my entries. Bad news. Of cuz it bad news. this shows that i am not happy! Maybe i am happy, but unhappiness overrules it!
Precisely thats the point. But i feel that whenever i write about something good, it jinx the situation. Maybe i should consider shutting down the blog. Probably?
We told her that maybe its better off single. This topic has crossed my path tons of times. I remember in Jc, during boring lectures, the clique always discusses this. We would asked the happily-attached Jk if being attached is as good as expected? And ZY would ponder on his then-unsettled relationship while Vic stares into the empty space wishin that he is attached and i would look forward to being single. LoLx. Baaad.
But well, i gotta agree, despite all teh troubles n problems, it is reallysomething different to have that special one in your life. The special one fo ryou to think about when you have the time, to talk to when u want to, and definitely someon to be there for you.

Lots of tests this week! Help me!!!!!

Was talking to a buddy and i realise that problems are heavily laden on us.
Both different genre of problems i guess.
Its a path we gotta take- to judge if that person is right for you. if what he does is right? What he thinks is right?
But it boils down to a question, am i a good judge of character?
What if i am not? no matter how cautious, i still wouldnt know ya?

Buddy cant get over the girl. No matter what. And something stuck me.

Why cant we have this arrange done in our life? Why cant we be born and there you go, arranged guy whom treats you well, no quarrels, alot of love, satisfy your every neeed and requisition?

Buddy ask me to suggest it to God.

God has someone planned for me. I know that. But all i gotta do is to find it.

Thats the problem. How to find it? How to make sure that i didnt let that one slip through my fingers?

Have you ever wanted to meet someone off the Guiness Record? How about meetign the greatest fuckdup fool?

You're lucky!! The record holder is right in front of you. Welcome to my world of idiocracy, stupidity and ignorance.

I officially declare myself to be freaking pissed, dissappointed, speechless, upset and whatever foul things that can occur.

i told my girl, if she is a blog of mine, that would be the best. I have so much to tell her. But nahh..the bad news is, i have more negative things to tell her rather than positive stuff. Really, never ever have i landed myself in such a situtation.

Reasons to why i declare myself dumb.
1. Countless

I had someone treating me so ever nicely, but i got tired of all the niceness and had went aginst it. Had a short term fling and decided that long term relationship aint for me. In period of 1 month, i got myself back to the same situtation. But this time, i am playing another role. A role totally different from the one i use to play. i use to heck care about every single thing. Becuz in the past,i knew no matter what, the worst thing i can ever do as a girlfriend, i done it. And i was still forgiven. I was the bitch in the story, the baddie, the girl whom everyone hates. But still, i didnt bother what others say of me. Bcuz i was hving the time of my life, why should i care.

A few days back, i told my girl taht i was sick and fuckin tired of everything. I am sick of reporting nothing but unhappy stuff. i am sick of gettin stuck in a rut where i seem to be sinking and not moving. yeah moving deeper down to nowhere. i told her so much so that i feel like just going through this impt day without any mention of it. but no...STUPID me has to get all fucking excited abt that day. And stupid me has to make arrangement to go down to some place to find a seemingly lame art work. i suck at my art. No i suck at my freaking idea.

And there my girl was telling me 'don give la this month, let him know that u shldnt be taken for granted.' But no, stupid me has to worry that he might be unhappy, stupid me went all the fuckin way downtown to get art supplies, went down to the freaking shop at the mrt station just to buy some freaking ribbons, and had to busy myself the whole day trying to get brushes, markers, and craft glue. Yeah, go ahead and laugh, cuz i know its a fool in making.

i had always been practical. i want no bears, no flowers, no nice nice stuff to make me happy. And as my usual habit goes, i dont give presents that require me to lay a finger. I think buying tops, shirts, wallets is good enough. So dumbass me had to go through all the trouble this time? i dunno. Dont ask a dumb person why she is dumb. She wouldnt know. The guys used to call me a sucker. For fun. But this time, i think it is beginning to show in me. Why did i go through all the trouble to change? i was a brat, a snob. I should have remain a snob. Why did i bear with the uncomfortable environment just to make him abit comfortable. Why did i make myself demand from the things i used to demand so taht he wont think i am this freaking brat who demands for nice and expensive things? Why did i stop going hotels for meals but instead smile and say 'up to you..'? becuz i thought i did it out for nothing but a four letter word. But i realise all this is wearing me down.

he couldnt understand why a gift is so important. I dun give a shit if its a 10carat diamond or a freaking lousy bottle of perfume. I dont care. Becuz to me, anythign will do. i wanna see if it means anything to him. And i was so bloody happy when he say he did get somethign for me. becuz i thought finally she can show that he do care. But guess wad? yeap know the answer then keep quiet. I shall not dwell into that and make me even more upset which i might end up bashing right through my monitor. I might. I really would sue me if you think i have violent behavious. I tell u, i dun give a damm. If it was the old me, either i dun give a shit about important days or either ill find a gift that i like and demand it to be bought. yesh. but still, maybe bratty me is happier.

i asked 'what does all this mean to u'. I cant get a satisfactory answer. oh a lagged reply by the way. So much so that i tell myself, stop being such a fucked up idiot and check your phone every..2 seconds. The phone wont ring even if you scream at it. yeah. Tried and tested. Really vile ya?

I beg your pardon for the vulgarities. i cant help myself. this is one sign that im evolving back to previous me. why did i change the traits that brings..nothing for me.

i really really need to meet the girls. Becuz i am looking out into the empty space.

5 months!

approximately 150days.

Hee hee.

Made a heart on stick. Painstakingly. With lots of arts supplies.

Freaking sick. I had a nightmare last night. Again. And pretty much a switch in the roles. I was the 'victim' in my nightmare, and upon wakening, i realise how i must have felt in real life. Damm guilty.

In Rcia today, Ursela went throught the topic of the week. Something hard to grasp - Forgiveness. Ask yourself: How easy it is to hate someone rather to forgive someone. When Jesus' disciples asked the Christ " How many times should i forgive someon who did me wrong? 7 times?" Jesus replied" No, you should forgive him seventy times of seven."

Pope John Paul II did it. Forgiving his assasinator. Would you do in his position?

Lets look at a simple, closer stand. Do you forgive a friend who do you wrong? Forgive a person who took away your loved one? Took away a well treasured possesion?

I was pondering at my seat while Ursela went on sharing about forgiveness. If i forgive someone over and over again, aint i beign silly? What if i am being 'used' for being too forgiving?

Too forgiving. A word used amongst women. Women are soft hearted. We forgive easily. As it seems. But looking from another perspective, we are known as 'petty'. Guys dont bear grudges. Do they? I dunno. I have never seen my clique in cold war. Only me against them. And of cuz, they have been extremely bearing towards me, withstanding my petty tempers. LoLx. And i miss them. i really do.

So this morning, despite the tugging within me, i put up a smile, and try to make myself think positively. dont flare up. Dont let your heart controls you. I shall try. And if it becomes taken for granted, i am free in my conscience. I tried my best.

Yang asked us out for dinner. Just the 3 of us. And i really did wanna go...however i had arranged plans with my parents. My mum, surprisingly urged me to go. Cuz she knows i havent seen them for a long time! I wanted to..but too last minute. And so i decided that it will be postponed to next week.

As i cross the causeway, the first msg i recieved is not from someone i expected. And the great news i wanna share with...i couldnt share with him. Cuz he didnt see the need to sms me. Fine. Forgiveness. Ill remmeber that. ANyway i went ahead and did some change. I should change some stuff around in my life. i cut my hair short. Rebonded my hair. They say: When you have worries, go and get your hair snipped. I did. Ended up, this news i told yang. Sadly, deep down i wished that it was him. And i waited...you know what stupidity i was harbouring? Even before reachign the malaysian custom, i had my phone in my palm, waiting for the reception to be recieved. I waited. And when the tone rang, something leaped within me.

Not him. The next msg came in. Same thing. Not him. 3 sms in a row. None from him. I rest my case.

And when i finally went ahead and sent him a msg. If his reply was that he is still within the border, i have nothing to say. Maybe cuz he has no reception too. But nooo, he is well otu into the heartlands of Singapore.The next reply came in 2 hours later. great ya? I stare at the phone, i rubbed my eyes, refusign to believe the lag, and i go back to the screen. I really really rest my case.

All i wanna look forward is tuesday Kbox, Friday chit chat and Sunday dinner. The higher your hopes, the greater dissappointment you feel. Parts of my life is not efficient. I lost the efficency and i am going to get that back. Screw the morals man.

SO much so for reminenscing..it makes you feel so so much worse. Suddenly you feel that maybe if everythign was to be rewritten, it might have been a better alternative. Its true.
When gurl wanted to meet me initially, i had so much to tell her. To tell her about the horrible dream i had last night. Its rather hard to express how heart wrenching it was. It felt damm real. Aint that how dreams are supposed to make you feel? Yeah it does, and the worse of all is that i was supposed to be wailing at that particular scence, but i didnt, i had to swallow my hurt. Swallow. No kidding. Its the feeling of having to force your emotions down. I suffered that long hours in my dream. People say dreams move slower than real life. It might have been 8 hours of sleep but what occured in your dream was only a few minutes.
I never had dreams like that. Never in my whole life have i felt insecurity or doubt. To put it bluntly, i have only let other feel insecurity. thats why i say its karma, it this viscious cycle. You will get treated the way you treat others. Gurl was in the dream along with me. there she was sittign next to me, as i grab her hand, staring at the drama unfolding before me. What audacity! I felt anger welling inside of me. But i dunno what happen, why i didnt react? Why i just turned submissive seeing him getting cosy with someone else right before my eyes?
i woke up in cold sweat.
Dreams come in two ways. One, in representation of your fears. Secondly, a sign. I prefer the former. I shall ignore it as the latter. I mean if one day, the latter has to occur, i might be as dumbstruck as well. Whenever i go out with my friends, i always have this sick mentality in my brain. I will look forward for some 'cheating' scene. i wan to see how i react. I would picture myself acting as cool as a cucumber if soemthign liek that has to occur. Would I?
I think paronoia is engulfing my brain, engulfing my thoughts. And i used to detest that 'stickiness'. And so today when i was peering up that soulful eyes, i cant help but asked " Do you really love me?". And thats really sucky a question to ask. When you ask, it reflects uncertainty. But really, these few days, the ups and downs. The sudden ups especially is too good to be true. The downs, low troughs in fact, hit me the most. Its is too much of a coincidence that all the bad things have to some charging at the same time.
Was going to meet the gurl. but end up, her dear was angry. Long story. Everyone has this long story. I told her i had a long story becuz everything is linked up in a way or another. i was sure that i cant possibly sit down and tell ehr exactly the probs. They are a entangled mess. She went down to find him to solve the probs i guess. Why? Why does she have to go down? Why isnt his duty to come looking for her? Freak it, why quarrel?
The funniest thing that i reminencse about is the time when i first had the break up. His care, his concern.. i told myself with tears in my eyes, that if i ever have him, ill make sure i wont quarrel with him. Ill make sure i make it one good relationship. But sometimes, you know that whatever planned screws up. i tried my best, and i succeeded. if everything goes my way, there wont be quarrels. i given in most of the time. Relatoely more i guess. But i guess the cycles turns to me, liek the arrow on the wheel of fortune game. Serve you right, the ex might say. But once you fall into this abyss, what can you do to get yourself out?
Now the danger is here. Everyone i know tells me that. They see it. I know it. But i am helpless. There will be times when ill smoulder up and get stiff. Vics says im crazy if i act that sudden way. I dunno. Its my subconscious working. And it occurs at sudden periods.
I went back looking through saved msgs. And you can reallly see the difference. You might say i get over sensitive, but im a duper practical person. i base my thoughts on hard core proof. The proofs are all there in the gradual change in tone in the msgs. moreover, the wanting, the longing in between the lines no longer exist. To put it bluntly, the msgs dont even exist. Can see the extent of incorrigibilty?
With matters like this, i already lost the words to retort the excuses. Lost the strength to prove my worth.

Holidays are here! One week of free tiem to do my report, 10 pages of lab work. Whats more, 3 more tests i think. *Sigh* Stressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least they occupy my brain.

Lantern festivals are on the rise. Everyone is carryign laterns. Monday i shall go check out the chinese garden festival!!!!

Cant wait to meet the girls...^^

Exhausted. Know why i change my blog skin? I dunno...i just heard 'If i aint got you' ByAlicia Keys. And so thats why i got her skin. Aspirign song you know? It makes you ponder abit more.

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Experiments are a method to find our conclusions. To derive hypothesis, whether right or wrong. But it really suck big time when you get a result which differs from what you expect.
It is true that in a relationship, there is no need to keep track of the good you do and the need to having a equal treatment to each other.
But i think everyone should stop kidding themselves. Human are born slfish and everyone wants to have an edge over another.
Sometimes i realise that everything is making me really lethargic. Not as if i have an abundance of time. I dont. And i do try to make to make sure that every ounce are well spent. But then, relaity hit you, seeing that saturation point is reached. you can no longer go on without any form of support. Its like it take 2 to tango, takes both hands to clap. Things dont work out on their own.
yesterday, i saw this couple on the train. But what struck me most and what really turned me off was his iritated look. goodness gracious, the girl is like smiling and looking blissful, but what reaction she got?
The same old things occured again. And its really stretching me to the limit. And so i tried so much to just forget about whatever happened. But still, faced with coldness. Really, should learn to let loose.

Tomorrow is life sciences CA. Kinda got the hang of it!!!! Lucky shan helped me..otherwise ar..ill be at loss.

Sometimes there aint not much point to repeat things over and over again.
Have you at any point stop yourself when you realise you are nagging?
I am at that brink. Itss like you get so bloody tired of saying and asking the same thing, so much so that i keep quiet.

I went to see my ex-blog. I dunno what made me do that. i was bored i guess and that triggered me. At that time, it was that nagginess..forecefulness that made me shut down the previous blog. I know it was a piece of evidence showing that negative side of yours truly. But if i was unhappy, i wouldnt have written all those. Actually its quite contradicting. I was unhappy and happy which made me write all that.

After reading that, i think i am tranforming into the character which i detest. And deep down, what if character role play changes?

It was really weird. I realise i wrtoe so mcuh for one entry. I mean that way is one of the methods of communication and it seemed that i put in so much effort. But when this was discovered, i had to come up with stupid excuses that it was a blog not addressed to anyone.

Last year's national day was what spoilt it all. It was a end of something but a start to something worse. Instead of coming out in the open, everything was under wrasps since that day. And i can tell you that being under the situation, every little thing done to me pisses me off. I stop paying attention, i stopped being caring because i was repulsive. i knew i had a better path to take, but because of responsibility, because of morals, becuz of ethics, i had to suppress happiness and do the right thing. What the hell.

Everyone at that time was looking at me with this 'she must be crazy' point of view. "Why?" People asked. Jc friends, Secondary friends, even my best friends, none of them supported my ding. And i know maybe deep down in their hearts, they must be thinking, "What a bitch". And becuz of the way i dun wan ppl to look at me, i suffered on. I mean even Meiting, she gave me the shocked, exasperated voice when she knew who i was reuniting with out of a sudden. At that time, i didnt think so much. I turned away from the one whom i feel distanced to, and i thought a found a source of happiness.

Still i thought i was doing the right thing and eventually lost it all. But no regrets now, because God planned something better for me. But like i say, i am taking the role of what i use to detest. And lets say if everyone responds the way i do, then i have much to worry about.

And so i try to place myself in my old shoes, and look things possibly from his perpective. I shant make something out of nothing.