Army wives

been having a hard time getting sleep lately. over reasons no one iwll understand. over reason that people brush off with a simple "heck care lar". i cannot because to me, the time i put in in building the so called seamless friendship just became ashes and dusts. was it a mistake on my part or was it just something that happened prematurely. it didnt make sense if i could just asked opinions from the people around me because it conflicts to what i already have. i didnt want somethin more, i just wanted something different. i thought i made a difference, i thouht i reached out to something people couldnt, i thought i succeeded. not for long.

and so i toss and turn every night because i couldnt fit the pieces of the puzzle perfectly. i couldnt ask what went wrong. i could only speculate. speculation drives people insane ya know? i tried again and again thinking things has blown over, but i failed. i got silence on the other end.

maybe it was meant to be this way. by having this, i no longer bother to keep up online till late in the morning, smiling to bed. i could pay more attention to where i suppose to pay attention instead of neglecting who really is important. but me being me, i cannot take it lying down. why must it end this way? it might not have ended literally, but to me..it might as well have.

am watching this new serial "army wives". revolves around this 4 women and 1 men whose spouses serves the US army, fighting wars. they live in army bases with the other army wives or husbands. (yes some wives are the one serving in the army). the pain they go thru when a choppers falls to the ground, bombings - you dont know if your husband/wife survives. would it be the "green uniformed men" knocking on your door breaking the bad news to you? or.....

school is starting next monday and... am glad. but for a moment i will stop and think of post graduation. he once told me that my reason for wanting to go back to work is not because of the people there. at that time, i shook my head and lauhed it off. but now, lookin at the bleak situtation - shld i be going back? can i just sit for lunch with him being all quiet and voiding eye contact? can i walk past his table and not stop to chat? i cant.